Not All Exits Are Made Equal
by alwaysyourqueen
Summary: Lup and Taako are inseparable twin siblings, particularly when their bonds have grown so much closer in the years they've spent together during their voyage aboard the Starblaster. However, the impermanence of their deaths doesn't change the fact that losing your twin is harder than losing a close friend. (The Adventure Zone: Balance, spoilers for Stolen Century)


This world was a little different than the others they visited. All the worlds were different, and this one was engulfed in a war. They'd been there for three months, and already they knew finding the light would be difficult if not impossible. This horrible war might have doomed their cultures and their planet. Two months in and the conflict showed no sign of ceasing.

It shouldn't have happened the way that it did. It shouldn't have fucking happened, but there they were. Taako was almost bawling, with tears in his eyes. In his arms, cradled as a pool of red blood gathered on the ground around them, Lup was holding her brother's hand tightly. A pike had been driven through her chest, and was sticking into the ground below. Shifting her even to where she was now shortened her time alive on this world.

"Hey, hey, I'll be back in ten months. Wait for me, I'll make you your favorite sandwiches when I get back."

"We made a deal, Lup. Us against the world. Fuck everybody else, I trust you." The tears dropped from Taako's eyes onto his sister's chest. His hat sat on the ground a few feet away, deflated as if it knew the tragedy taking place. "Don't leave me alone here."

"The whole crew is here for you, and I'll see you soon."

Those were the last words before Lup's first death. She hadn't died before, and Taako didn't realize how real it felt. With everyone else, he'd witnessed it over and over. But with his sister, nothing could've prepared him for the agonizing aloneness of being without her. They had rarely been apart in their long, long lives. Isolated? Yes. Broke? Yes. Hurt by the world? Yes. But never so truly alone as to not have their other half ready to be there when they needed literally anything.

Taako held Lup's body, cradling himself against her and sobbing his eyes out. Their hair — the same color except for the red streaks she'd dyed in them this cycle — mixing with tears and blood. He lost track of where her streaks of red had been. There was too much blood. He held her for so long.

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and he abruptly spun his head. His vibrantly green eyes were bloodshot from crying and his cheeks were pink and puffy. "What?" His voice was a dagger piercing through Davenport.

"Taako we…we gotta get back to the Starblaster. It's not safe here. We're not safe. Lup wouldn't want-"

"Lup won't want anything until the next cycle."

"She wouldn't want you to die because she died."

"I think I know what my own sister would want, Captain Davenport." The sharpness was still there, vicious and lashing out. He stood up from where he was sitting, replacing his hat on his head. He made no motion to get rid of the blood that soaked most of him.

Taako said nothing the reminder of the trip back to the ship. Everyone else was quiet too. Magnus tried to make conversation once or twice, but all it took was a look from Barry to quiet him. They got to the ship and Taako didn't stop walking. He walked into his room and the door shut decidedly behind him. He cried again for a while. He didn't clean himself up for a day. He just sat there in his room, surrounded by his things.

* * *

Later that day, no one has heard any motion from Taako's room. They all know Lup will be back in 10 months, but they mourn every time. And they hurt for Taako.

Magnus made a soup from one of the few recipes Taako and Lup had written down, in case they weren't around to cook. He stirs it slowly in a big pot, thinking about the fact that he wouldn't get to see Lup's smile or hear her laugh. And he wouldn't get to see Taako and Lup be best friends and bring the rest of the team up. The soup finished, and he stirs it a while longer as if in a trance. He collects some soup in a bowl, and a piece of bread and a glass of water with ice about two-thirds of the way up. He puts them all on a tray and goes to Taako's room, gingerly setting down the tray on the floor. Magnus knocks three times with his knuckles, saying, "Hey, Taako, dinnertime. Eat up." He waits for ten minutes. The soup is cold now. Then twenty, and the water has almost completely melted and the condensation a circle on the tray. Magnus stands up and walks to the lounge to sit for a while.

* * *

The following days, no one saw Taako. Davenport saw him once on a trip to the bathroom, but that was only a glance. He suspected that Taako finally took a shower. Good for him, Davenport thought to himself as he goes back to finding them the direction to search for the light.

* * *

Another week passes, and Lucretia is equally hard to find. She buries herself in every detail of the grass and the sky of the world that they're on, her journal for this past two weeks longer than any two weeks on any planet should be. She carries out as many sentences describing the green of a leaf as she can. She blames herself, and everyone else can see it. She eats the food Magnus brings her, and she cries when no one else is watching. She hates that she couldn't save the person they all truly love the most.

Taako still sat alone in his room. He didn't do anything, not really. Occasionally he got up to pace. He only changed clothes after taking a shower in which he didn't really wash, just cleaned off the layer of his sister's blood on him. He was wearing a simple outfit that didn't seem like him at all. Normally he went above and beyond to look good, better than everyone else. His hat sat in the corner of the room, flat and unsuspended by the positive energy it seemed to need to stay a wonderful accessory. Taako mostly sat on his bed. A few times he got up to pace, stretching his gangly legs and extending his arms a little. He stopped paying attention to when hair got in his face, except once when he had to cough because one strand weaseled its way down his throat.

* * *

Finally, at one point he left his room. He took the cold meal from the ground where Magnus had left it (Magnus had left him two or three meals a day every day he stayed holed up in his room) and brought it to the table. He sat alone, his hair a wild mess of greasy strands, and ate strips of grilled chicken and a pile of rice drenched in sweet sauce. If he cared enough to critique, he would have said the chicken was cut unevenly and over cooked and there was too much sauce for the rice.

It took Taako an hour to eat, each swallow struggling to get by the parched walls of his throat. He drank about a third of the glass of water, hand now wet with condensation, and finished two thirds or so of the meal. He still sat for a while, not sure what to do with himself now. He saw nothing for himself on the ship or with the crew. All he wanted was to hear his sister coming up behind him, ready to exclaim that it was an elaborate prank.

She never came, and he sat staring at the unfinished meal.

Merle walked by where Taako was sitting. "Hey, uh, I'm doing some dishes so, just bring em over when you're done."

Taako said nothing. He just stared at the food a while longer.

Merle started scrubbing the dishes, his short and thick arms struggling to appropriately reach them. He hummed a little tune, whistling occasionally to the song.

The sound grated Taako's ears. He didn't want to hear it, none of it at all. He got up and brought his tray of unfinished food to the sink, placing it next to where Merle was cleaning the other dishes. A slumped walk guided him to his room, where he returned to sitting on his bed. This time he grabbed a blanket from it and draped it around his shoulders, bundling himself up to fight the air outside and the thoughts that still tried to pierce his emotional armor.

* * *

A few weeks of this routine later, Barry decided he wanted to help. He couldn't leave his good friend alone to suffer like this, could he? No, he couldn't. They were a crew, a team.

"Hey, Taako," Barry said as he opened the door to Taako's room. He saw the elf bundled in a blanket, staring blankly. He looked like he hadn't slept or meditated in years. "Losing Lup has been hard on all of us. She's family to us, and I'm so sorry you have to go this cycle without her. But she'll be back, and the-"

He was cut off. The blank expression on Taako's face was replaced by fire in his eyes and rage in his features. "She's family to you? To you?" He was shedding his blankets, standing up and walking towards where the bespectacled Barry stood by the door. "She's all the family I've ever had, the only person I could ever fucking trust. This planet deserves to be eaten by the Hunger for taking her away from me, deserves to rot in whatever hell the Hunger unleashes on it! You can't possibly understand what I would be without her. You won't ever understand why I need her!

"She may be like family to you but she is. My. Family."

Both Barry and Taako were crying now. This was the first time anyone had heard Taako speak since Lup died. And he reminded Barry of her in the most twisted way; the rage and the fire was so much Lup in him. Barry's glasses were sprinkled with saline as he brought up one wrist to wipe his face. Taako's tears were burning, hot rivers lining his face.

Barry backed away from the door, his face fallen beyond where it had ever been before. He hiccuped once from the crying. "Sorry." That was all that needed saying. He went to the lounge of the ship and curled up, knees tucked into his chest and glasses off so he could cry for a while.

* * *

No one could confirm because his door was shut again, but Taako spent the rest of the day crying. By God, by all the Gods, by fucking Pan, he missed his sister. No one else on the crew had ever been separated from someone they had been with literally their entire life. And worst of all, he regretted alienating his friends because he had to spend months mourning.

* * *

With six months left in their time on this planet, Taako was leaving his room for one meal a day. Magnus, Davenport, and Barry took turns cooking for the crew. Barry was the apprentice of sandwiches, Davenport learned the art of pasta and sauce, and Magnus could stew things until they tasted good. They all missed Lup and Taako's cooking, but they understood.

The first dinner they had all together as a crew since Lup's death was quiet. Davenport made a carbonara sauce for spaghetti. Everyone had a pile of it on their plates, and they ate peacefully.

To himself, Taako thought that it needed more salt and a slightly closer ratio of sauce to pasta. But he ate, and he finished the meal, and he returned to his room.

* * *

Now, with only four months left, he started talking. Short sentences, mostly confirming or denying. He had a few conversations, and he apologized to Barry without further discussing the subject.

"Look I," Taako began when he saw Barry while the rest of the crew was out looking for whatever leads they could find to the light. Which they doubted they would find, considering the war that covered the planet left very little safe area for them to try and discover the light and recover it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. This can't be easy for any of us."

"I get it. Don't beat yourself up any more, Taako," Barry gave him a warm smile and patted him on the shoulder, pushing up his glasses to look more directly at him. "She'll be back before you know it."

* * *

With two short months remaining, Magnus could've sworn he saw the bags under his eyes lighten. Maybe he was sleeping, or at least meditating for a couple of hours a night. He had to smile a bit, because Taako was getting better.

* * *

In the last month before they left, Taako was cooking again. He prepared meals, and the rest of the crew quietly loved that their best chef was back at it. He was casting spells, went out on the occasional mission, and had actual conversations with his friends. But he wasn't smiling or joking. He wasn't ready for that.

"Roast turkey with gravy glaze, roasted almond mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables with savory cream sauce," Taako announced as he placed the dish on the table. He (and Lup) had always made the crew an elaborate spread for the two week mark until they left the planet, when they either had the light or had given up on it for sure. Taako had clearly not lost his touch, as the whole crew discovered.

"This is excellent," Davenport commented, already with gravy in his mustache.

"I agree," Lucretia said, delicately cutting her food before eating it.

Magnus had already finished half his plate, and that was compliment enough.

Merle dug away at the potatoes and vegetables, but hadn't had any meat yet. Usually he left it for last, if he ate it at all.

Barry grinned as he ate: giving Taako a simple thumbs up.

* * *

On the day where they were leaving, they still hadn't found the light. They hadn't expected to, two men down. They were getting on the ship, ready to go. Taako stood by a window and looked out. "We don't deserve this. They don't deserve this."

He still wasn't smiling.


End file.
